hey dad,

i really miss you. today it hit me while i was driving home. sometimes, when the sun is shining through the trees and it's beautiful, i think of you. i hope you're proud of me. i know i've done stuff in my life that you wouldn't approve of, but i can almost guarantee that if you were still around, my life would be totally different. maybe i'd be thinner, and more successful and married by now. but maybe i'd have been the same person i am today. maybe i'd have fucked my life up in the same way. i wish you had been around to give me some guidance. no, i'm not downing mom. i love her, but you and i were just starting to get close. close to the point that i could open up with you. i was only 10, i didn't have much of an opportunity. mom did a great job raising us alone. she is the strongest woman i know, but bryon is a piece of shit and no one could compare to you.

i wish you had seen my go to the prom, and graduate high school. i wish you could meet david. as much of a dirtball that he is, he's a good guy. and yes, i cry a lot about our relationship, mostly about money. it's so hard. WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO HARD? why can't our love see us through? how did you and mom do it? you were so young. if i was on your path, i'd have been married for 4 yrs, with a 1 yr old. it's so hard.

do you know that grandmom doesn't contact us anymore? she doesn't care about us. it kills me to know that she doesn't care, and if she does, she sure has a shitty way of showing it. should i even invite her to my wedding when i eventually get married? do i let her know that i'm having a baby [when i get pregnant that is]? i feel torn.

everyday is hard. i wish i could talk to you. i hope i can do your memory justice. mom and i talk about you a lot.